Sunday, June 19, 2005

EPISODE III - Return of the Shit

It is said Eskimos find it hard to face equatorial heat even without their furs. It goes on to stress how difficult it is for one whose fur is permanent to cope up Vijayawada heat. Being a Japanese Spitz does have its advantages when one visits Japan but that will probably come later in life for J.Caesar II. Currently however he was having a hard time. Doctors recommended permanent retirement to a room with an LG Gold and Caesar being strictly health-conscious in his diet and habits followed the doc’s advice to a T. This in no way hampered his expeditions and so far he has been to Kotappa Konda, Kanaka Durga Hill(Not the temple because the temple authorities practice species discrimination) as well as Guntur.

Recently we made a trip to Vizag, via car, due to various remonstrances from Caesar that he wanted to come and railway authorities seem to be hand in glove with the temple authorities in this species discrimination thing. So after a long time he visited his second Beach .i.e. Vizag, AP (First was Vadinar, GJ).On his return he was seized by a sudden curiosity as to how the system of governance in UTs is different from that of the States. So we decided to come to Vijayawada via Yanam. Back after such a grueling and tiresome journey Julius caught diarrhoea or some such disorder and well...suffice it that this Episode's title is justified.

Recently he got better and the docs have pronounced him a-o-kay. And ever since he got an invitation to the Monarchies of the World Re-union at Tokyo from the Japanese ambassador to India he is contemplating a visit to Japan which reads, probably, as another Rs 60000 added to the Rs 42080 ("my only non-yielding investment in life so far" says Dad.) Now diplomatic visas are one thing but I told Caesar the truth "In India, dogs don’t get passports." The only thing he said was" If Laika can go to space, J.Caesar II is sure as hell gonna go to Japan."

END OF EPISODE III....EPISODE IV will take another year or so don't keep your fingers crossed or you might need a doctor.

EPISODE II - The attack of the Mongrels

Grandparents are usually the most tolerant sub-genus of the species Homo sapiens sapiens. It was, indeed, an extraordinary affair that ruffled their feathers. They came in CONTACT with a species wholly alien to them. Getting to the point, Julius Caesar II arrived in my ancestral home at Hyderabad. While my parents continued in the quest for an apartment, Caesar's quests comprised of his search for Crow-leftovers aka bones and later his search for a conspicuous place to do his then famous Vomit-asana. As it happens to most of us who savour these delicacies, the crow-leftovers wreaked havoc in that delicate digestive system of his. So we sallied forth to find the so called Govt Vet Hospital and despite vigorous protests from his side about the abuse of anti-biotics that happens in these places, we held him while the vet gave him shots.

Finally they found it, not Caesar's expulsions, the apartment. And we moved into Caesar's new and second home. Here too, the unrestive spirit of Caesar managed a few trips to nearby religious places like Chilkur apart from seeing a window(Maruti Esteem's window to be precise) view of the sprawling twin cities of Hyderabad and Secunderabad. The only thing he regrets is being kept in the dark about a black dog called Sunny D(some say D stands for Dog while others maintain its Deol)who lived next door. He never managed to make a formal acquaintance with Sunny. Sunny on the other hand being truly street smart met lots of the indigenous species called Mongrelus Streetus and brought them home. As the Mongrels' views on Socialism and Equality of Dogs were not very welcome by Sunny's family, these dogs used to be regularly chased away by those strict Capitalists. Tired of lectures they used to attack Caesar. J who tried to bring home to them his own views on 'Cats and their Extermination'.

And then came the heart wrenching day when I had to leave to Dhanbad. Caesar knew I would be away for months and the duty of caretaker and protector of family would rest in toto on his white haired haunches. But he bravely bid adieu to me and got on with life until it culminated in his transfer again to that blazing hot city of Vijayawada.


Saturday, June 18, 2005

EPISODE I - The 'Pants-torn' Menace

There were celebrations in the city of Baroda on 24th November 2001 the day that heralded the birth of Julius Caesar the Second. His was not an easy childhood. He was the last of his brothers to be snatched from his mother's caring paws and was consequently, the fattest among his brothers (doctors attribute it to his having had a larger share of mother's milk). He was bought, yes I am ashamed to say it, bought like a slave for a sum of Rs 1500 by Moi and Family. Leading psychiatrists (who've tried treating EMINEM) say it’s a miracle he didn't drop out of high school and sing Rap songs about his vaccine addicted mother. That he was registered for vaccinations as Cizer and not Czar J.Caesar II is a shameful secret that he hides to this day.

A most enjoyable ("for u probably, u didn't have to carry him", says Dad) bus ride brought him to his first home.10 days later his training began. Now it is totally unwise to recount all the methods (including the threats, bribes and other diplomatic means) used to train him during those years. It would suffice to say that Nitin Batchu, a wholly unprejudiced judge especially in K9 matters has awarded Caesar with that greatly acclaimed title "The Most Obedient Dog of the Neighborhood" which is, let’s face it, not something U or I can achieve in this lifetime. Caesar J is a very boisterous chap. Once in Porbandar he expounded a few of his theories on The Mahatma and The Non-Cooperation Movement to a few Gujjus who passed by the Maruti 800 in which he was sitting. But these Gujjus, rustics as they were, mistook it for a series of barks. Occasionally, though, he used to be struck speechless whenever we visited that vast and beautiful expanse of lawns 'The Central Park' in our colony. Wrongly perhaps, we took this to mean that Julius was somehow inarticulate. It was later found that he was merely gathering medical proof for his theory on what happens when dogs eat herbivorous food aka grass.

In the months that followed he traveled by car to various ports (Vadinar, MotiKhavdi), towns (Rajkot, Jamnagar), by train to various cities (Baroda, Ahmedabad), made pilgrimages to the religious temple towns (Dwaraka, Somnath), by boat to Bet Dwaraka. This leisurely life culminated in his transfer to Hyderabad [formerly Bhagyanagaram since recently Cyberabad]. So he took a flight and in the cargo bay of the aircraft arrived safely and 'sedated'ly to the metropolis.


DOG TREK - To Boldly Go Where No Dog Has Gone Before

Only once in his life, there was a trivial crisis as to whether he was to be christened Julius Caesar or Hyundai Santro.But Roman history prevailed over the "hep car" fad, much to the relief of the gathering assembled there. And thus began the great era of lowered blood pressures, increased Domex usage and last but not the least non-yielding investments. Let me not cause you any mental unrest. To eliminate the mystery of this entity's identity, he is in fact man's best friend and more succinctly, the one I share bonhomie with, my dog.

His travails have been a constant source of gossip among the local K-9 community, insofar as his vet has written a book which, unfortunately, could not be published since the editor died of a stroke (that has wrongly been attributed to his reading the manuscript).Anyhow, Caesar has journeyed to a host of Indian cities towns and villages in various states and to a UT as well. For reasons of scarcity of space (although this is the www, I don’t like really long anecdotes and so I presume is the reader's case) I shall summarily describe his life history in a few terse episodes and cut out his personal reminiscences and reflections (in spite of his vehement protests to include here his views on "Cats And Other Pests" and a short passage on "Telephone Poles And Similar Nature Call Destinations").

Wait for Dog Trek Episode 1 - The 'Pants-torn' Menace

Thursday, June 02, 2005

Rammstein's Amerika

Americans make for a very interesting anthropological study....
At the beginning of time....
There was a guy called Joe. Joe fell short of resources so he went looking. One day he discovered a new resource rich land populated by a stone age race open to friendship and trade. So Joe traded 1 lighter & 2 radios for 10 barrels of oil daily. The races loved Joe's clothes and his clever little devices and imitated him.Joe taught them to smoke, use plastic, live recklessly, dress minimally and other admirable traits. Some religious leaders(call them mullahs if u like) disliked the direction the ppl were taking and issued diktats. But their pleas were "over and out"-ed by the ppl. Regularly the mullahs broke Joe's windows. Joe complained to his frens that his home was threatened. And he waited...Slowly even the ppl of the race realised that Joe was short-changing them in their oil deals. Joe became aware of this growing hostility among both the mullahs and the people. BUT he still waited.....One day a glass shard went into his forearm....BAM!! He went out and shot every mullah(except 1 who hides even today). But the matter didn't end there.He told his friends and kids...."those people are dangerous...they are making Wocko-poison Mummy Destroyers(WMDs) and ur mothers might get we have to shoot them and take away their that ok?".....the son said "allright it" and WHAM!! he and a couple of his friends made a pre-emptive strike(but they found no WMDs). He stationed 5 of his trusted bulldogs there in order ensure continuous supply of oil. He lied to his own son. The friends said nothing coz they needed the cheap priced oil that Joe supplied.
So here we are today.......
Wearing Adidas shorts, Nike shirts, drinking Coke, eating McDonalds pizzas driving with our girlfriends in our gas guzzling Chevrolet Optras keeping mum about Afghani massacres and Iraqi invasions while the stupid American children think their Daddy saved the day when he says "don't worry ill smoke Osama out and hunt him down" . In the background the muslim and palestinian leaders cry their voices hoarse.

WHAT are we doing???.....ohhh i know, i know.....we're "CHILLIN OUT" our cowardly lives.

Southern Lights " Aurora Australis "

Prior Scriptum : Please read "Northern Lights - Aurora Borealis" before u read this.
In order to be secular in my articles.....and to avoid being massacred by some of my telugu friends......I wrote this.......
A few days ago I accompanied my family to a telugu wedding in the sleepy hamlet of when u play a game on 2 different comps u always compare and differentiate their config and performance.....i call it i did a diffra on this was peak summer and Vizag + peak summer => sweating buckets. So I said bribe the pujari and postpone all summer muhurts. The result.....well....we need a government like that pujari.....incorruptible.
And there i was in my best clothes going from 1 introduction to the other like a rag toy, every face i see the same.Sweaty....!!! But the suffering was not forever. We eventually reached a closed structure like a weapon storehouse which was beautifully air conditioned and remarkably..... empty!!!(explained later). On a dias were 2 royal thrones where the bride and groom were accepting gifts and the cliched mother-in-law was making a mental inventory of them. A select few dignitaries who obviously were the photographer's favorites had their sweaty faces immortalised by him for future comic relief of the family. My family minus me had 1 of its own taken as well.
Now we come to the mysterious emptiness aspect of this brutally grey cell erasing story. A grave short sightedness on part of the organisers resulted in there being about 6 stalls serving various Andhra delicacies and 4 more serving enriched meals OUTSIDE this seventh heaven. That the ppl chose gastro-intestinal exercise over AC made several fathers with marriagable daughters note down the ph no of the caterers. As far as i was concerned the elastic lining came into play again.

Wednesday, June 01, 2005

Northern lights " Aurora Borealis "

About 3 months ago....I accompanied a friend to a North-Indian wedding.
Ordinarily peak winter + delhi => hot mug of cocoa and novels for most ppl.
But the malicious muhurths of our Indian culture are without respite. So there we were about a 1000 ppl gorging upon the delectable food served at the innumerable(12 or so) various stalls situated at prime locations in the beautifully manicured lawns.
To the right, the chef was flippin rotis beside a server dressed like salad serving...u guessed it....salad. To the left, the tandoori loving crowd was as strong as the paneer butter masala lovin crowd. Like undergrowth in an evergreen the size of my ankle kept chasing imaginary pixies flying in the heavy cold air. Further ahead i could just make out the beginning of a queue for the sweets serving sector.
In my peripheral vision i could see my host and hostess, the married couple. They were accepting gifts from guests like guns from surrendering naxals and had big plastic smiles on their faces. Who can blame them. Your face would be just as rigid if u were asked to smile 24X7(24 hrs @ 7 degrees).
It is at times like these that i love my elastic lined stomach.But I am without a fault....who wouldn't eat their heart out if the entire north-indian section of a restaurant menu was served that too free.