Tuesday, November 22, 2005

I'd like to meet......

1) A polar bear...."Hibernation is a bewildering concept to me....."
2) Mr Bush...."Someone's gotta kill tht guy"
3) PG Wodehouse...."Is he as humorous in person........"
4) Einstein..."Great minds must meet u know.....for the flow of ideas...."
5) Padma Lakshmi..."Gotta drive some sense into her.....Salman Rushdie!!!!....sheesh"
6) Stephen Hawking...."Let him explain the black hole in my room....outta which creatures come in the nite and take away my stored food"
7) My old school friends...."Haha..i'm taller than all of you."
8) Ron Weasley...."I need tips to increase my waistline within a month...."
9) Dan Brown...."Someone tell him, copy pasting characters doesn't go down well with readers...."
Windows XP code writers......"Thank you!!!!"
11) Murphy(of the law fame)...."Dude....u r wrong.....I haven't saved this text and my pc hasn't yet restarted"
12) Shakespeare..."Write in coherent, English, u dumba**"
13) Porsche makers....."Need to introduce them to a li'l concept called affordability"
Eddie Murphy....."Gnashing one's teeth on screen doesn't constitute a smile....."
15) Friends in Season 1......"Rachel, u love Ross, Monica, u'll marry Chandler, Pheobe, u marry someone i don't remember and Joey, u get ur own show"
16) Shahrukh Khan....." K-K-K-Kry baby "
17) JC Bose..."Sorry dude, u got no Nobel, but u do hv a particle and home theatres named after u"
18) Hitler..."No amount of territory or power can compensate the 1 thing u lack, not humanity.....height, u dwarf"
19) MJ....."Just want to know once and for all.....Is he/she a he/she or a she/he??"

A Phony Story

This is the story of a boy who lost his cellphone. He left it at a tea stall as if it were a hanky. Let's not blame him. He forgets a conversation by the end of it. Now, there were about 10 people who saw it on the table.
Being utterly jobless, they had a round table conference with the stall owner. The question raised was " Who is to keep it? ".....no no.....they were extremely honest people...... The debate was on " Who is to keep it till the boy comes along to claim it back? ".Since each of them trusted his neighbour like India trusts Pakistan, they decided after numerous debates that Panditji was the most respectable of them all. He was chosen for safekeeping the hanky (that costs Rs 4000)

2 days later, the boy came around to claim it. The owner explained the matter to him and asked him to come in the evening when the Panditji will be available. In the evening, the boy came back and waited anxiously like a would be father in a nursing home waiting room. You get the picture. And then on the horizon, riding like Arwen in LOTR, he came riding atop his trusty steed manufactured by Atlas Cycles.Believe it or not, the priest(M.A. , PhD Hindi) INTERROGATED the boy. After satisfying himself and the audience that assembled there, he proceeded without preamble " Now, don't worry, you will get your cell, but there is the small matter of the compensation ". Let me repeat COMPENSATION AKA money. Of course, being virtuous does have its advantages; spiritual and monetary ones both. The boy was shocked. But he agreed and took out a Rs 50 note. No can do. The alleged godman said he wouldn't accept money but he will accept Rs 100 worth sweets(courtesy: The tea stall). This done, the boy and godman left to the latter's home to claim the cell waiting for him.

Upon reaching there through a maze/slum which will not survive 2 hrs of rain, the priest and his hospitality left the boy stunned. Tea, a strong dosage of "shudh hindi" and some more of those Rs 100 sweets later, the boy bid adieu to the family which politely invited him for the next day's festival. Accompanied on the way back by the Panditji, the boy was casually wondering to what levels of grime can a religious man stoop when the Panditji remarked " Go on ahead to the tea stall, I'll just have a cigarette and come there "

Case closed. I am never gonna lose my cell again. And even if I do I am never ever gonna go to reclaim it. Who knows what kinda weirdo I might meet......Maybe a dog lover who eats his pets......or a 10 yr old who is coal mafia don.......

Saturday, November 12, 2005

Dea(r)th of love

DEATH. I have never seen death nor have I experienced the loss of a relative. So I have no idea what I will feel (if and)when that happens. I cannot pretend it will never happen in my lifetime. But I have never really thought about it at all because it isn't something anyone likes to think about. I learnt of an incident. These are the facts: A boy loved a girl. She did not reciprocate. He committed suicide. His mother cried in front of the entire college. His father was angry that his son left them. The girl felt guilty and committed suicide.
It made me think. When we love someone, what is the depth of that feeling? Should it be so deep that if rejected, we have no reason to live? If it isn't that deep then does its shallowness indicate a hypocrisy? What truly is love? Is it justified to forsake our parents and die for love? Was the girl really guilty of something? Did she die because of him or because of some wrong mental attitude of her own? Was I wrong when I defined LOVE in a previous post?
Consider this case:
I love A. Then A's actions/reactions will affect me. How they affect me is upto me....right? If A is affected by what happens to me, then my love for A binds A to me and narrows A's emotional reaction range. Without A's choice I affected A's life and actions.
My point here being.......what if you or I were A. We are now controlled(so to speak) by another person. Is that acceptable? Should it be acceptable? I don't know.

After a brief look at what I wrote down above...I think I can wade across this emotional swamp of mine.
LOVE? This is how it must be.
I love her passionately. The feeling of "loving that girl" is the only thing that matters to me. I love the way she looks, thinks, reacts.....Period. I expect nothing from her. Neither acknowledgement nor reciprocation. It is she who will decide her feelings towards me. As far as I am concerned, the only bond between me and her is the feeling of my love for her that I will carry within me. That's all. This is the depth of my love.

Now my questions can be answered.
The depth of love is total. Rejection or approval do not matter at all. The girl died because she felt guilt. The only thing she was guilty of was self-betrayal because the guilt was her own mental creation. So, she was solely responsible for her death.
And yes. I was wrong before. Actually I was inconsistent. My definition of LOVE included the other person which it shouldn't have......because the self-sufficiency I wrote about implicitly includes LOVE in it.

Monday, November 07, 2005

Days of our lives

It all began the day we arrived back from the vacation. We were room hunting.
Roomie: Let's take this one raa...its clean and has a locational advantage over the others.
Ya. You see, when the Nazis infiltrate our building then, owing our room's superior locational advantage over the others, we'll be the only ones to survive. Also, we can get to the bathrooms faster which is very important as anyone with a healthy apetite and an unco-operative stomach lining will know.
Me: Absolutely......and the ventilation...!!! Good call man.
You shud see our room. There was NO WAY any light, Visible or IR or UV or even a ruby LASER cud touch any surface within. NASA could've avoided that Kalpana Chawla episode, had they used our windows on the shuttle's underside. Vitamin C deficiency, here I come.

(((((((((5 weeks later))))))))))
0715 hrs------->>>>>>>>>>>>>
The cell alarms start to ring....both my roomie's and mine.....along with the my comp's alarm....they sing a melancholy strain...."Open thee dreamy eyelids...and look outside....thou shalt see....its so fresh...and so mellow.....its lecturetime"
I lift up my head enuf to hibernate my comp and throw my cell into a drawer(its a NOKIA 3315...it'll survive).My roomie is more car(eful)ing. He mutes it with a pillow. And with the silence of the lambs, we drift back into sleep.
0740 hrs------->>>>>>>>>>>>
Some curious nosy Parker who has equated "Waking people up" and "Social service" comes in and jerks us awake. I rub my eyes and think what a nice milkman this guy wud make. Coming out of the room, I see a procession of pilgrims going towards Kasi, all their problems have simple solutions:morning ablutions........u get the picture
0755 hrs------------>>>>>>>>>>
I am wolfing down breakfast with no time to wonder what it is.
Mr perfect mechanical engineer(call him MPME) who is leaving the mess, casually remarks:"The weather is fine today. Rust process will be reduced by 27%. By the way, we have to design class today so get your charts." I look around the table and see my branchmates faces. Malicious|Smug|Resigned|Blissfully ignorant(OGPA = 8 and struggling for more|8 and happy|7 and stopped trying|6 and indifferent respectively)

0830 hrs----------->>>>>>>>>>>>
We are in Drawing hall sitting on high stools like in a bar. After a sincere 1/2 an hour tryin to figure out what to do...I join a gathering of people and discuss the topic of the day: Bush's policies, the Profs daughter..etc etc
0950 hrs------------->>>>>>>>>>
I hastily add 5 or 6 lines to my drawing, seriously look at my work and then call a guy to have a look at it. We both laugh at the fat lady that I wanna pretend is a flywheel. Then we pack.....time toe.
1055 hrs-------------->>>>>>>>>
Some jerk jerks me awake in the nick of time. I say a strong "Yes Sir" in a deep baritone. Class over. 3 down 1 to go.
1210 hrs------------->>>>>>>>>>
Prof: So, this flow analysis technique has several advantages...blah blah and some more blah.....
Im poring over my book.....Ludlum's action is pretty fast paced.
Benchmate: Arey whats ur top score in snake? I got a 1120 just now.
Me: Huh..what? Abey...don't disturb man....listen to the prof or somethin...
5 benches to the north .i.e. in the first bench.
GMAT1: Sir, if the fluid flow is not in 1D then how can we assume?
GMAT2: arey, the Stoke's law's combination with Bernoulli clearly explains it...blah blah and some more blah....
Prof: Yes, thats right. In fact, why don't u take down this assignment on 1D flow.
Everyone groans but they hang on to the filmy shred of hope that Prof didn't give a deadline.
GMAT1: Sir, when shud we submit it, next class......@%#!#%@!!!
1315 hrs----------->>>>>>>>>>
Im asleep, catching up on the sleep lost during the morning(Reason: Had breakfast today). MPME passes the room while going to the mess.
MPME: All guyz completed ur HMT assignment i hope. Today is last day for submission.
DAMN. I instantly look at the timetable. First P.Tech, then HMT. Relief washes all over me and I put a few A4 sheets into my bag. That taken care off, I go back to slumber.
1615 hrs------------>>>>>>>>
I return after a gruelling day and head towards Dhaiyya. Some tea, singhadas(bihari for piping hot samosas) and 2 hrs later, im revived and rejuvenated.
1830 hrs------------->>>>>>>
I switch on my pc. 10 minutes and (sh)it happened. My roomie's UPS wails like a banshee falling from the top of a tower. His UPS heralds the coming of the low voltage. Barely 2 minutes later, a loud cacophony of electronic beeps is heard all over the wing. My darling Stabilizer....I Love U
2045 hrs-------------->>>>>>>
My friends call me. I hibernate my pc and go for dinner. After Gamerboy(name changed for health reasons) redefines fast food and Pubboy's(name changed) drawn out meal campaign, I return to some Q time on my pc.
0240 hrs------------>>>>>>>
I hear my roomie's light snore and realise he's asleep. I too buy tickets for dreamtheatre. 15 seconds later, I wake up and recall the most important thing. Nope....not an assignment. Nope...not a test. I silently set the alarms on my pc and cell.

Ya ya....i know what u skeptics are thinking....but u just wait and see....i'm gonna do that alarm justice one of these days.......one of these days...........

Wednesday, October 26, 2005

The COLOR Theory

Whether this is about humans and i'm an idealist or this is about colors and i'm a painter, will depend on your perspective.

LIFE is a joyous, gay, flamboyant canvas of colours[In Geek-tongue: Life is a visual display unit with over 4 billion colors 'true color, highest mode' at 32 bit quality of 120 dpi resolution and refresh rate of 85 Hz]
If the above hasn't convinced you yet about my mental status, let me proceed:
Colors. Every thing on this planet has color. Even humans have color. Fair-complexioned(sissies), yellow-skinned(diseased looking freaks), dark-complexioned(dudes) and of course certain chocolate brown complexioned ones(read: Me).
OK. Now that i've convinced you and ur dialling 911 on me, let me get down to business:

Objects: Every object has colour(note the usage of 'u' in colour symbolic of my love for the Queen's english). Some are blue, some are red. But all are made of the 3 primary colours. There is no colour called black. It is simply the eye registering the scarcity or lack of certain or all the colours in that object. The object which is perfectly black is not visible. But such an object does not exist.
Humans: Every human has abilities. Some are better planners, some are better decision takers. But all of them have certain basic abilities. They don't have any faults. It is simply the mind registering the inadequacy of some or all abilities in that human. A human who lacks any ability does not survive. But such a human does not exist.

Now I shall now define things people say that 1 can only feel and cannot express.
Happiness: A sensation associated solely with the mind(not heart) that is felt by an individual when he is satisfied with the outcome of an event related to his living. Men create their own happiness and are solely responsible for it. No one else can give them happiness. It is their actions alone that can produce it for them.
Pride: A feeling of extreme elation at seeing one's activity having the right effect on its environment(which includes people). Nothing wrong with it.
Self Sufficiency: The only way of life. It is how every human on this planet can truly live. It entails indifference to other people and their activities except when it gravely endangers one's happiness(defined earlier). It creates independence for a human. It retains the individuality that every one of us is born with.
Envy(Jealousy) and Hatred: The lack of the above quality results in every human's dependence on another for his actions directly or indirectly insofar as to affect his very happiness.
(A) Jealousy towards another is perversion in the sense that there is an evident lack of confidence in his own abilities.
(B) Hatred towards another(
acc to the colour theory) is possible only when one lacks certain some colours and hates others who have them. This is in fact self loathing .i.e. hatred towards one's life. Such humans are not truly alive.
Relationship: An understanding between 2 parties. It is of 2 forms:
LOVE- Possible only after self sufficiency has been reached. When one is happy, the other finds pleasure in the fact the other was capable of this self generated happiness.
PARASITISM- Possible for any human being without self sufficiency. An example will clarify this. John 'loves' Jill. He actions are to make her happy. John is happy when his actions have produced happiness for Jill. John therefore depends on Jill for his happiness. Jill can deny him this happiness by getting no happiness from his actions. So, your life is being decided by another person.

And....well....that's all there is to it.

Monday, October 17, 2005

'New's stand

NOTE: I've created a new movie review blog. So, click on THIS before you watch a flick.....
I am utterly "vetti" these days......as one of my friends Re'Vetti' Ramanan says.......so here goes...

This is an official protest against "That-which-is-so-crappy-ugly-gross-shitty-that-it-canot-be-named" being fed to us daily at
8 am in the morning.....yeah that’s when my newspaper arrives. I am going to burn 'news'papers at the stake over here.

No quota in un-aided colleges.....Thank God.More of this and we'd need a quota for the quota-less junta.
Volkswagen-India official arrested, Taken to HYD......The police must've given him a marvelous rear-spoiler......if u know what i mean.
High Court Counsels Karishma, husband to settle dispute.....look at the injustice....even after he "court"-ed her for so long its only "....Counsels Karishma, husband to....."

Bringing alive the Desi art form....A book review...the book is about Indian Sculpture spanning 4000 years......ya.A must read.It will transport u back to that stone age era......or atleast ur skull's contents will reach the Neanderthal era.

Ludhiana: 5 killed in collision
Shahjahanpur: 4 dead in accident
Jamshedpur: 3 killed in firing
New Delhi: 5 killed in accident
Why is this column listing deaths titled BRIEFLY.......maybe it shud be called BRUSQUELY....eh?
A reminder for initiating police reforms......Ya right....'A short reminder to prompt the government to begin the visualization of the outline of a plan to fully set in motion the preliminaries to initiate police reforms........'

Whither real freedom, asked Tara Bhattacharjee(Gandhiji's grand-daughter) while inaugurating a science exhibition at The Indian School in S.Delhi.She also encouraged the 6-12 yr old children to spin and wear Khadi.........pretty reasonable.I mean...if they can understand real freedom......they can sure as hell spin Khadi clothes.
NOIDA's tenders......did you know that NOIDA means New Okhla Industrial Development Authority.....so from now on, no more...."Ya...his parents live in NOIDA." OR "I left my dog in NOIDA".But then what should we say...?

NIFT designs ITBP uniforms......Haute Couture for ones with the hauteur eh!!!.....Look out Paris....
UP Governor withholds bill on renaming Varsity......this was THE MOST important of the governor activities that TOI could record......I wonder.....is there a lapse on TOI's part or is the governor that jobless...!!!

Articles side-by-side ----->
Rs. 2200 crore Bangalore-Mysore monorail system underway
Rs. 1510 crore sought by Karnataka CM from Centre for flood relief

Krishna waters released for Chennai......be happy Madrasis......u now need to buy only 2 BIBO water cans per day instead of 3.....

TV Listings....and Radio Listings.....its not unusual ppl......70% of
INDIA is still rural.....

PAGE 9 :
CPI(M) destroy police buildings......Ahem....It seems a trivial piece of info but naxals do this kinda thing in my state(AP).....here Bihar has a proper CParty(organization)I to do all this!!!!....whoever says it isn't developed.......
Sikkim pays 13 yr old girls Rs 2500 if they submit proof of being un-married......that must definitely have marr(i)ed ur impression of North East India eh?....but hey.....thts how horrible the situation is......
Mangal Pandey opens to full house in UK ......What is with these people.....Do they WANT to see only India's under developed past......DEVDAS|LAGAAN....etc

PAGE 10 to 13 missing : Im gonna kick Vijay's a**

PAGE 14 :
Mumbai's dard(aur pani bhari) katha......

PAGE 15 :
No Iraq troop cut. Will send terrible signal to enemy says Bush........uhh.Excuse me but what/where/which enemy r u talkin about Mr. Bush.....those bearded Bedouins with their..... (surprise surprise)......US M16 subs that u gave them to fight Saddam???
Forest Fire Haze: Jakarta seeks help.........poor fellas....I mean talk about having the worst luck in the universe......Volcanoes...Earthquakes...Tsunamis...And now this......

PAGE 17 to 21 No comments: Hey...they deal with solid business figures and facts....and sports.......

PAGE 22:
Cultured Meat for veggies.....Good news for Moral Veggies...u don’t hv to feel guilty....No news for Religious Veggies.....continue with ur grass.....

Monday, October 10, 2005

Dream fueled desires

Days ive spent lookin for u,
Nites ive spent sleepless, thinking of u,
You were so soft and oh so tender,
In all those soothing moments u render,
See how unfair this world is, will ya,
We were parted mea culpa,
Comforting than THE WIND IN THE WILLOWS,
My sweetest and dearest PILLOW.

Friday, October 07, 2005

A Class Act

Engineering is something that teaches you a lot about life.Really.A student till his +12 is a werewolf. An engg college is his full moon.Literally, He steps from the darkness of ignorance(read: innocence) into the light of knowledge(read: survival skills). He steps out from under the umbrella(read: barb wire) of his parent's protection(read: prison) into the drizzle(of professorial abuse).No.....i won't deviate. My case study of the closed confines of classroom at colleges sometimes makes me wonder:
Should we say may i come in or can i come in ?
Say MAY (request) and you show weakness to the prof.Say CAN (ability) and it shows the prof that you'll come in no matter what he says. So, sorry English teachers but I give 3 cheers to CAN.
Some students extend their hand when askin the above. Its like they r pledging to come in.("I solemnly swear by you Oh great Prof that i shall come in no matter what ur teaching, till death do us part.").Hah....Grow up people. He is not Caesar and u r not Romans.
pronunciation [pr nùnsee áysh’n]: n -- The way in which a sound, word, or language is articulated, especially in conforming to an accepted standard.Yeah I agree, but whose standards.....i hope its not the prof's.....with his bhery(very) bhery(very) prophesinal(professional) yushej(usage) of bhards(words) regarding crankshabts(crankshafts) and plybheels(flywheels). My mind has to register all this while my ears shut down screaming for help.
Punctuality is another issue altogether....ur definitely at the profs mercy here....but the trick is to ignore the prof's or the students' existence altogether when u enter late.Don't ask for permission or smile sheepishly. Look sincere and serious.Head straight to the first empty bench available.Take out some notebook and start writing furiously for at least 3 muinutes before you look up.It doesn't matter that u r being glared at by the ENTIRE class of 50 including giggling girls, the first bench prodigies and the prof who's lookin for the first chink(read: culpability) in ur armour(read: act)
Everyone knows there is 100% output loss in any circuit with the elements "Professor's Voice" and "Students Ears". So there is an MoU. Prof offers constant feed of bilge for t=60 mins with incomprehensibilty intrinsically guaranteed. Student offers a heckling free window of t=60 mins. So when he says "The differential equation can be discretized wrt time for specific nodal positions and synchronous lag analysis of the unusable heat vs real time sine curves can be done", just nod along....
greeting [gr ting]: v -- The act of addressing profs in a polite and usually conventional way by tilting the head a little and mumbling WHATEVER YOU FEEL at that instant of time. WHATEVER. Point to be noted. And the prof smiles back.No.....he's not stupid.He's just grateful to you for keeping the WHATEVER below his auditory range.
Classtests.......nothing to be dreaded. Its usually announced for the first benchers sake only. I mean face it......whether told a week in advance or an hr before, ur gonna be prepared the same way. The only thing u must ensure is ur locational advantage before the prof comes in with the Q papers. Stay close enough to not arouse suspicion and far enough to refer to ur neighbour.

Now thats what i call edutainment.....

Thursday, October 06, 2005

Thoughts in Verse

Thoughts that transcend time.
I had them in my prime.
I knew then what I would be
Forever,Immortal as far as one can see.
Difficult and different was I
But I knew not why
I realised indifference was the only way.
People told me it was a crime for which I would pay
The only non triviality in my life
Is my purpose and my drive
If you can see what I'm driving at
Join me and you'll never regret
It is your life,What I say you must believe
It is your dreams that you have to achieve.
Remember rationality is immortality
And this is an inescapable eventuality

Saturday, October 01, 2005

E-mail and E-nglish

I regularly read most mails that come on ISMD and it irks me sometimes when someone just says things not because they wanna say them but because they wanna say something.....uncrowned MORAL POLICE.....i guess they r called. So let me elaborate.....

1 there was a mail to one Dr.Banerjee(ISM alumnus) from an ISM student who lacks the basic minimum english. He also lacks knowledge of the protocol to be followed when writing formal e-mails. Excused....not all of us know these things without exposure.
2 The good Dr. sent a rather strong worded mail to the Yahoo Group with a sentence by sentence breakup of the mail painting the mistakes made in Red....Dark Bloody Red...u can say.
3 A huge deluge of mails poured in from all corners and batches condemning his attempt to correct and in a sense undermining his credibility and the essence of his effort......how immature...!!!
4 At the time of going to press there is a hot row between one Mr Animesh Saxena (self proclaimed philosopher) and the Dr.

1 Mr Saxena needs to check his premises....and stop before he further disgraces himself.
2 Any e-mail Group member has rights to voice his opinions...however bitter, unconventional and not in tune they may seem to others.
3 Rand is never understood by narrow minded self righteous so called defenders of the weak.
4 I need to stop reading these mails to which i know i wont reply.They serve no other purpose than to show me there exists sheer vanity and non-reason in this world.

Sunday, September 04, 2005

The tale of BC.......a dying art.

BC[bee see]
1 BakChodi, the aimless and pointless arguments and discussions generally yielding results of no importance whatsoever to the involved parties.
2 A forum for killing time brutally and with full conciousness of that act.

Etymologically we have traced its origin to the year AD 1927.( ISM was founded in the same year ).It began as gossip @ chai time in RD.(A tea shop, the only institution to survive the deteriorating effects of time and politics). Slowly the gossip tranformed from being a rare occurence to a daily event in a student's life. It figured in his things to do list everyday. Initially its nature was specific, i.e. about news/class events. But something specific never lasts in this world for long. So BC mutated to reach its new avatar. It transcended time and location....It was now.....

1 Convenient - Now, people could join in or leave at any point of time.
2 Substance deprived - Nothing definitive/substantial was ever said or done.
3 Gripping - Generally the participants had good oratorial skills.
4 Stress release - Nicknames, practical jokes, stand up comedy....all inclusive

And so it has lasted for 75 years.

But then came a revolution, a new era, the ribbon cutting for the Computer Era, the opening of the Information Gateway, in short, computers and the internet. This was a dangerous drug. Drawn like moths to a flame, one by one people slowly fell into its clutches. Some stopped studying, some reading, some playing, some eating, some sleeping, some BREATHING, but all of them stopped BCing. And then the nightmare became true. The art was dying. A few fought it with all their might, but they too knew it was losing battle.

And so we have lost BC. The info giver, the eye opener, attitude changer, self respect builder and finally the life force of students.It no longer remains.

PS: This blog is a tribute to BakChod people all over, a
futile last ditch attempt of one of the fighters. Good bye and farewell.

Sunday, August 07, 2005

Mutual Exclusion

Intelligence: Encarta says its whatever the intelligence tests measure.
Evolution:The complex processes that span large durations and which result in the passing of some favourable traits of a species to its offspring and the subversion of other traits.

We know that humans have evolved to this present state. Constant weeding out of weaklings...whether physical or mental has resulted in this perfect species....homo sapiens sapiens.We are now the most advanced species on this planet. We can adapt to any environment, survive any catastrophe, switch off the fury of nature whenever it decides to inconvenience us, bend its effects to our will. We will in a few years be capable to even transcend its ultimate climax, the destruction of planet earth.

Are we going to evolve further ? Will we see new manifestations of humankind ?
I am sorry but the answer is NO. Because we have lost the need to. Any barrier is mounted by the convenient tool that we have called intelligence. And i mean ANY barrier. We need to realise this fact. Intelligence and Evolution are mutually exclusive. In fact evolution culminates in intelligence.Hard to digest?....well take ur time.

Nature tries to make us evolve but to no avail. Any disease is cured using medicines. All deformed or weak children also survive. I am not saying they shouldn't. I am just quoting a fact. Whenever a natural calamity occurs, aid comes to the affected in overwhelming amounts.So the end point is a known one. We remain the way we are. We remain humans. Any different versions of us are classified as freaks and ostracized from our society.It is a fact. Evolution is no more. We have come to an EVOLUSTOP.

Wednesday, July 06, 2005

License to (s)kill....!!!

I drive that powerful gas guzzling monster, that mean set of wheels....all right,all right, its a Kinetic Honda.But I reached 3rd year and needed a license to prove it.So, off we went to Gannavaram...some 12 kms outside Vijayawada.

For 25 painful minutes I watched wannabe Taxi drivers trying to drive sanely below quarter their lower speed limit of 70 kmph. Then I tapped the corrupt* RTA officer on his shoulder.
He said "what's the magic word ?"
I said " MCWG ".
I watched over his shoulder as he flipped thru the application forms with the dexerity of a pizza dough flipper. His face showed signs of incredulity.Perplexed as I was, I stared.My first clue came when he said " Didn't you pay the license fee ? ".My face registered an xpression of a dog whose bone was snatched out of its vice like grip.

How was I to know ?.Hey I am average citizen unfamiliar with procedures for procuring a license.And this vital info wasn't mentioned ANYwhere.How was I to know? Then my Dad suggested an 'ALTO'rnative He said "Lets Go".So we go'ed.

Anyway...12 kms later, we reached RTA Vijayawada and approached Helpdesk.
Help Desk said "Go to Counter No 3.Submit the form and Rs 300 for the receipt."
A very innocuous sentence.Exceedingly simple to follow unless there is a huge financial catastrophe.But the worst was yet to come.It turned out that there was no counter 3!!!Big Deal. In Indian govt offices, this kinda stuff is usual, so we scouted around. Of the 5 manned counters, we checked out counters numbered C3,the third counter from the left and the third from the right.This reconnaissance is in no way easy.Every counter is restricted from visual or auditory range by a queue of atleast 5 ppl.So results being unfavorable, we checked out the 4th one and lo behold it was the alleged Counter No. 3.How to deal with such situations, it turned out if you multiply the probability of the number of ppl before a certain Govt Office counter being 3 by the prime number 3 and factorize it, it yields that counter's number. Aha...that explains it.We were using the wrong prime.

So we ploughed back @ 60 kph on the NH5 to find the test circuit empty.(Pheww...more drivers and I would've kissed the bumper of a rushing truck on the conveniently situated NH).Well, the test was cursory.Probably the guy thought if I was so desperate that I drove 30 km then I deserved it.

But the RTA's processing is to be praised, the very next day I recieved my license by DTDC courier.Now that is what I call "Speedy Service".

*Corrupt: He had a Sony Ericsson T610 and it wasn't even 2nd hand.Probably a gift...eh ?

Sunday, June 19, 2005

EPISODE III - Return of the Shit

It is said Eskimos find it hard to face equatorial heat even without their furs. It goes on to stress how difficult it is for one whose fur is permanent to cope up Vijayawada heat. Being a Japanese Spitz does have its advantages when one visits Japan but that will probably come later in life for J.Caesar II. Currently however he was having a hard time. Doctors recommended permanent retirement to a room with an LG Gold and Caesar being strictly health-conscious in his diet and habits followed the doc’s advice to a T. This in no way hampered his expeditions and so far he has been to Kotappa Konda, Kanaka Durga Hill(Not the temple because the temple authorities practice species discrimination) as well as Guntur.

Recently we made a trip to Vizag, via car, due to various remonstrances from Caesar that he wanted to come and railway authorities seem to be hand in glove with the temple authorities in this species discrimination thing. So after a long time he visited his second Beach .i.e. Vizag, AP (First was Vadinar, GJ).On his return he was seized by a sudden curiosity as to how the system of governance in UTs is different from that of the States. So we decided to come to Vijayawada via Yanam. Back after such a grueling and tiresome journey Julius caught diarrhoea or some such disorder and well...suffice it that this Episode's title is justified.

Recently he got better and the docs have pronounced him a-o-kay. And ever since he got an invitation to the Monarchies of the World Re-union at Tokyo from the Japanese ambassador to India he is contemplating a visit to Japan which reads, probably, as another Rs 60000 added to the Rs 42080 ("my only non-yielding investment in life so far" says Dad.) Now diplomatic visas are one thing but I told Caesar the truth "In India, dogs don’t get passports." The only thing he said was" If Laika can go to space, J.Caesar II is sure as hell gonna go to Japan."

END OF EPISODE III....EPISODE IV will take another year or so don't keep your fingers crossed or you might need a doctor.

EPISODE II - The attack of the Mongrels

Grandparents are usually the most tolerant sub-genus of the species Homo sapiens sapiens. It was, indeed, an extraordinary affair that ruffled their feathers. They came in CONTACT with a species wholly alien to them. Getting to the point, Julius Caesar II arrived in my ancestral home at Hyderabad. While my parents continued in the quest for an apartment, Caesar's quests comprised of his search for Crow-leftovers aka bones and later his search for a conspicuous place to do his then famous Vomit-asana. As it happens to most of us who savour these delicacies, the crow-leftovers wreaked havoc in that delicate digestive system of his. So we sallied forth to find the so called Govt Vet Hospital and despite vigorous protests from his side about the abuse of anti-biotics that happens in these places, we held him while the vet gave him shots.

Finally they found it, not Caesar's expulsions, the apartment. And we moved into Caesar's new and second home. Here too, the unrestive spirit of Caesar managed a few trips to nearby religious places like Chilkur apart from seeing a window(Maruti Esteem's window to be precise) view of the sprawling twin cities of Hyderabad and Secunderabad. The only thing he regrets is being kept in the dark about a black dog called Sunny D(some say D stands for Dog while others maintain its Deol)who lived next door. He never managed to make a formal acquaintance with Sunny. Sunny on the other hand being truly street smart met lots of the indigenous species called Mongrelus Streetus and brought them home. As the Mongrels' views on Socialism and Equality of Dogs were not very welcome by Sunny's family, these dogs used to be regularly chased away by those strict Capitalists. Tired of lectures they used to attack Caesar. J who tried to bring home to them his own views on 'Cats and their Extermination'.

And then came the heart wrenching day when I had to leave to Dhanbad. Caesar knew I would be away for months and the duty of caretaker and protector of family would rest in toto on his white haired haunches. But he bravely bid adieu to me and got on with life until it culminated in his transfer again to that blazing hot city of Vijayawada.


Saturday, June 18, 2005

EPISODE I - The 'Pants-torn' Menace

There were celebrations in the city of Baroda on 24th November 2001 the day that heralded the birth of Julius Caesar the Second. His was not an easy childhood. He was the last of his brothers to be snatched from his mother's caring paws and was consequently, the fattest among his brothers (doctors attribute it to his having had a larger share of mother's milk). He was bought, yes I am ashamed to say it, bought like a slave for a sum of Rs 1500 by Moi and Family. Leading psychiatrists (who've tried treating EMINEM) say it’s a miracle he didn't drop out of high school and sing Rap songs about his vaccine addicted mother. That he was registered for vaccinations as Cizer and not Czar J.Caesar II is a shameful secret that he hides to this day.

A most enjoyable ("for u probably, u didn't have to carry him", says Dad) bus ride brought him to his first home.10 days later his training began. Now it is totally unwise to recount all the methods (including the threats, bribes and other diplomatic means) used to train him during those years. It would suffice to say that Nitin Batchu, a wholly unprejudiced judge especially in K9 matters has awarded Caesar with that greatly acclaimed title "The Most Obedient Dog of the Neighborhood" which is, let’s face it, not something U or I can achieve in this lifetime. Caesar J is a very boisterous chap. Once in Porbandar he expounded a few of his theories on The Mahatma and The Non-Cooperation Movement to a few Gujjus who passed by the Maruti 800 in which he was sitting. But these Gujjus, rustics as they were, mistook it for a series of barks. Occasionally, though, he used to be struck speechless whenever we visited that vast and beautiful expanse of lawns 'The Central Park' in our colony. Wrongly perhaps, we took this to mean that Julius was somehow inarticulate. It was later found that he was merely gathering medical proof for his theory on what happens when dogs eat herbivorous food aka grass.

In the months that followed he traveled by car to various ports (Vadinar, MotiKhavdi), towns (Rajkot, Jamnagar), by train to various cities (Baroda, Ahmedabad), made pilgrimages to the religious temple towns (Dwaraka, Somnath), by boat to Bet Dwaraka. This leisurely life culminated in his transfer to Hyderabad [formerly Bhagyanagaram since recently Cyberabad]. So he took a flight and in the cargo bay of the aircraft arrived safely and 'sedated'ly to the metropolis.


DOG TREK - To Boldly Go Where No Dog Has Gone Before

Only once in his life, there was a trivial crisis as to whether he was to be christened Julius Caesar or Hyundai Santro.But Roman history prevailed over the "hep car" fad, much to the relief of the gathering assembled there. And thus began the great era of lowered blood pressures, increased Domex usage and last but not the least non-yielding investments. Let me not cause you any mental unrest. To eliminate the mystery of this entity's identity, he is in fact man's best friend and more succinctly, the one I share bonhomie with, my dog.

His travails have been a constant source of gossip among the local K-9 community, insofar as his vet has written a book which, unfortunately, could not be published since the editor died of a stroke (that has wrongly been attributed to his reading the manuscript).Anyhow, Caesar has journeyed to a host of Indian cities towns and villages in various states and to a UT as well. For reasons of scarcity of space (although this is the www, I don’t like really long anecdotes and so I presume is the reader's case) I shall summarily describe his life history in a few terse episodes and cut out his personal reminiscences and reflections (in spite of his vehement protests to include here his views on "Cats And Other Pests" and a short passage on "Telephone Poles And Similar Nature Call Destinations").

Wait for Dog Trek Episode 1 - The 'Pants-torn' Menace

Thursday, June 02, 2005

Rammstein's Amerika

Americans make for a very interesting anthropological study....
At the beginning of time....
There was a guy called Joe. Joe fell short of resources so he went looking. One day he discovered a new resource rich land populated by a stone age race open to friendship and trade. So Joe traded 1 lighter & 2 radios for 10 barrels of oil daily. The races loved Joe's clothes and his clever little devices and imitated him.Joe taught them to smoke, use plastic, live recklessly, dress minimally and other admirable traits. Some religious leaders(call them mullahs if u like) disliked the direction the ppl were taking and issued diktats. But their pleas were "over and out"-ed by the ppl. Regularly the mullahs broke Joe's windows. Joe complained to his frens that his home was threatened. And he waited...Slowly even the ppl of the race realised that Joe was short-changing them in their oil deals. Joe became aware of this growing hostility among both the mullahs and the people. BUT he still waited.....One day a glass shard went into his forearm....BAM!! He went out and shot every mullah(except 1 who hides even today). But the matter didn't end there.He told his friends and kids...."those people are dangerous...they are making Wocko-poison Mummy Destroyers(WMDs) and ur mothers might get hurt....so we have to shoot them and take away their WMDs.....is that ok?".....the son said "allright dad...do it" and WHAM!! he and a couple of his friends made a pre-emptive strike(but they found no WMDs). He stationed 5 of his trusted bulldogs there in order ensure continuous supply of oil. He lied to his own son. The friends said nothing coz they needed the cheap priced oil that Joe supplied.
So here we are today.......
Wearing Adidas shorts, Nike shirts, drinking Coke, eating McDonalds pizzas driving with our girlfriends in our gas guzzling Chevrolet Optras keeping mum about Afghani massacres and Iraqi invasions while the stupid American children think their Daddy saved the day when he says "don't worry ill smoke Osama out and hunt him down" . In the background the muslim and palestinian leaders cry their voices hoarse.

WHAT are we doing???.....ohhh i know, i know.....we're "CHILLIN OUT" our cowardly lives.

Southern Lights " Aurora Australis "

Prior Scriptum : Please read "Northern Lights - Aurora Borealis" before u read this.
In order to be secular in my articles.....and to avoid being massacred by some of my telugu friends......I wrote this.......
A few days ago I accompanied my family to a telugu wedding in the sleepy hamlet of Vizag....now when u play a game on 2 different comps u always compare and differentiate their config and performance.....i call it diffra......so i did a diffra on this wedding.....it was peak summer and Vizag + peak summer => sweating buckets. So I said bribe the pujari and postpone all summer muhurts. The result.....well....we need a government like that pujari.....incorruptible.
And there i was in my best clothes going from 1 introduction to the other like a rag toy, every face i see the same.Sweaty....!!! But the suffering was not forever. We eventually reached a closed structure like a weapon storehouse which was beautifully air conditioned and remarkably..... empty!!!(explained later). On a dias were 2 royal thrones where the bride and groom were accepting gifts and the cliched mother-in-law was making a mental inventory of them. A select few dignitaries who obviously were the photographer's favorites had their sweaty faces immortalised by him for future comic relief of the family. My family minus me had 1 of its own taken as well.
Now we come to the mysterious emptiness aspect of this brutally grey cell erasing story. A grave short sightedness on part of the organisers resulted in there being about 6 stalls serving various Andhra delicacies and 4 more serving enriched meals OUTSIDE this seventh heaven. That the ppl chose gastro-intestinal exercise over AC made several fathers with marriagable daughters note down the ph no of the caterers. As far as i was concerned the elastic lining came into play again.

Wednesday, June 01, 2005

Northern lights " Aurora Borealis "

About 3 months ago....I accompanied a friend to a North-Indian wedding.
Ordinarily peak winter + delhi => hot mug of cocoa and novels for most ppl.
But the malicious muhurths of our Indian culture are without respite. So there we were about a 1000 ppl gorging upon the delectable food served at the innumerable(12 or so) various stalls situated at prime locations in the beautifully manicured lawns.
To the right, the chef was flippin rotis beside a server dressed like salad serving...u guessed it....salad. To the left, the tandoori loving crowd was as strong as the paneer butter masala lovin crowd. Like undergrowth in an evergreen forest...kids the size of my ankle kept chasing imaginary pixies flying in the heavy cold air. Further ahead i could just make out the beginning of a queue for the sweets serving sector.
In my peripheral vision i could see my host and hostess, the married couple. They were accepting gifts from guests like guns from surrendering naxals and had big plastic smiles on their faces. Who can blame them. Your face would be just as rigid if u were asked to smile 24X7(24 hrs @ 7 degrees).
It is at times like these that i love my elastic lined stomach.But I am without a fault....who wouldn't eat their heart out if the entire north-indian section of a restaurant menu was served that too free.

Saturday, April 30, 2005

Semesterminal Blog....!!!

Timely Dilemma...!!!

How is it that I dont feel like studyin...right at the peak of the study season....a.k.a the end semester....why did i discover blogging at such an untimely time.....why did i suddenly find as addicting a game as Pocket Tanks....Nobody knows....like the answer to the primal question " WHY ? "
At the beginning of the semester its like.....invincible mind unalterable determination ingrained drive to excel....but.....as the sem progresses...it becomes....interminable studies
inhospitable classrooms and finally.......its just insufficient time.....it makes me wonder.......is it just me or does it happen to everyone....and if so why ? Are the lectures and topics that boring.....or is it the professors ???.....im afraid not.....
I guess its just human nature to become complacent.....to fall into a spell of non-motivation.....and the worst part is.......its all happening with our full conciousness of this fact......and we do nothing about it(non motivation remember !!)......Why do we wait for things to happen....

Are we at a chronological bus stop ?
If so......lets hope we catch the right bus....heh heh......

Thursday, April 28, 2005

HO(stel)ME(in) ALONE

How hostels are different from home....!!!
1 Weekly bathing ritual.........wish we could do away with it entirely......

2 Free surfing.....thank GOD for that.....or i would never survive....
3 Long distance phone calls to friends.....Dad picks up the tab.....whaddya have to worry bout.....
4 Bisemesterly room cleaning ritual....next yr we get single rooms and it'll become semesterly
5 Weekend parties.....yowza.....they rock....
6 Daily schedule : Wake up at noon for lunch sleep wake up for dinner sleep....

How home is different from hostels....!!!
1 Rajah-like treatment.....have some more beta....want me to get u the pillow...etc

2 Daily screams of the psycho next door.....ya my neighbourhood is weird.....
3 Spotlessly clean clothes....face it guys...we do like em.....
4 Demi-god status among cousins....hey u cleared JEE and came out unscathed....u deserve it....
5 Friday visit to the mandir...its cool....considering the incresed spirituality among girls......heh heh
6 Daily Schedule : Wake up for lunch sleep wake up for dinner sleep......

Wonderin bout POINT NO. 6.....but its so obvious......after all this is a 6 pointer's

Chicken Soup for the predesigned soul !!!!!

PREDETERMINATION.......have u been predestined to read this in some way....naw....u guys can stop anytime...!!!!
Well...it all started at dinner tonite....i was happily enjoying my chicken when....Wham.....out of the blue....one of my seniors made a crass statement..... " Any event or action in this universe has been preset...predesigned and I can prove it....logically. " I was like..." How did this guy's grey cells come up with as tasteless a concept as that....with something as beautiful as a crisply delicately fried chicken in front of him ? ".Probably picked up some whiff of it from the MATRIX...the concept...i mean.
Anyway...that got me thinking....what is in some ' predetermined ' way he was right !!!...he deduced as a corollary that there is no existence of choice...Now i can say that his deduction was also predetermined leaving him no choice....but to come to that conclusion...that would directly contradict his statement as well as indirectly dis mine(the one in red)....and we can go on and on like this........
But lets suppose he's right....we have no choice....then does that mean (1) we have no control over our actions or (2) we do not know why we do what we do.Either way....i am thoroughly satisfied with the chicken and i have no qualms about that....BUT BUT...if (1) were true...it means im no way responsible for any of my actions....then who the f*** is ??? and if (2) were true then there is no sense in doing anything bcoz its outcome is unknown and irrevelant to you....!!!!

For Pete's sake....he was trying to comment on the commentary of a physical system of which he was a part....i dunno the actual mathematical or physical principles he's grossly violating(any reader is welcome to help me out here) but it doesn't feel right....but who knows maybe the feeling has been predesigned...what do u say...huh....!!!

Wednesday, April 27, 2005

Petro Freakazoia

what is the deal with these entities....i know there is more competition in their branch.....but petros.....really.....do u need to act that retarded....The instance being....a simple matter of how much 1 has studied....Fire this at 'em and believe me...a plot of their response frequencies will drive u nuts....i mean seriously folks......shud'nt it be a simple reply.....like...."ive studied this topic...this stuff's left...."or "im gonna cover this today....." et cetera......but NO.What u get is "oh yaar....nothing's done till now....haven't touched any
of that stuff....man...lotsa readin to do yaar....im totally freaked out...."
Initally i was like..."whoa man....pipe down.....ur freakin me out...." but now im like..."hmm...thats just wht i thought u'd say..."

But i HAVE tried to analyse the tone of these responses and my result is a conclusion in the sphere of Dr Freud.....they try to project an image....of them being totally unprepared.....and ultimately when their scores
impress u......u'd be like "how did he do it".....
Paranerdy huh....whoever would've thought the geeks were playin mind games on us......maybe even they dont
realise they're doin it.....
--- --- --- --- --- --- ---
Peeheeew.....now tht the heady stuff's over.....i can go to sleep and dream about a 7.5....end sem comin up....otherwise the dream would comprise of stuff related to the ' yin ' crowd.....

Tuesday, April 26, 2005

Intro"dude"ing myself......

This is on hindsight....for the inquisitive ones....among y'all....

In a land called DOM....there's a creature called a governor...and it xperiences what's called ISOCHRONISM....an effect that is way too boring to discuss in my blog....

Point is...isochronous meant "of the same frequenzy".

So i thought,
Whyever naught,
Lemme use isokronos,
Totally a blogger's onus,
Invitin ppl of the same freqwenzy,
Be it Saddam or be it Inzy.

Mind-numbing poem aint it....bound to happen when you improvise.

Anyway...R@hul here...a sophomore mechie....
With loads to unload.